No, seriously — I’m an idiot.
At least that’s what my friends and family used to say before I blew them away with my masterful, superhuman, and sometimes even gut wrenching investing prowess. Put a ten dollar bill in my hands and before you know it…we’ll be splitting a couple 4-for-4’s at Wendy’s and talking about the art of smart money.
Let me introduce myself. My name is Craig. I’m a Sagittarius. I have my own business. My favorite number is 4,000. Why wouldn’t it be?
I’m writing to you today because I assume you are a loser. Why do I assume that? Well, you’re not me. That’s strike one. Not to mention you’re spending your free time surfing the world wide web when you could be doing other things, such as making money.
I know you hear it all the time from the seemingly endless backlog of Chad frat boys on Instagram, but I told you — my name is Craig! I’m different! And when I say you need to be investing, you should trust me, because I’m a young, white, corporate finance guy who only ever talks to other young, white, corporate finance guys. What’s not to trust?
So let me tell you a few secrets behind success.
Amazing Tip #1: Sometimes, it’s all about who you surround yourself with.
Has your mom ever said to you: “Craig, if your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump off too?”
Fuckin’ yeah mom my friends are super smart. That’s a choice I made.
Do you see what I’m saying?
Awesome Tip #2: Take life by the balls.
I was on a plane recently and I mistakenly took a sip from the drink that belonged to the person next to me. I have never been so accidentally powerful in my entire life, but I rode that high all week.
I don’t even like coke — the soda. But I do like taking life by the balls.
Fantastic Tip #3: …
I was going to give this one to you, but I changed my mind. Maybe another day.
Super Good Tip #4: Allow yourself to grow.
I had a tough childhood. It wasn’t always a walk in the park, especially socially. Some people say bullying builds character. So I made it a point to beat up a new kid every week! It wasn’t easy! But I did it for them.
You know, I guess you could say that’s a sub-tip: be selfless. People don’t know what is good for them. You have to show them.
Ring a bell? That’s what I’m doing to you right now. Bet you didn’t see that coming. It’s like Inception. Except I’m way better looking than Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon Levitt.
This leads me to Baller Tip #5: You gotta network!
I mean I’m out of breath just thinking about how many informational interviews I’m going to have this weekend.
You gotta be willing to listen. Matter of fact, that’s a sick-ass tip right there.
Yeah. Sick-Ass Tip #6: Listen. Really listen.
I used to work on Wall Street. Then Panera transferred me to Midtown. BUT, when I was there, I would go on break and listen to all the successful stock people having lunch, shooting the breeze, talking about the airplane hangers…they bought…or something.
Tell you the truth, I could never get close enough to understand exactly what they were saying without someone pointing and suggesting they all pack up their salads and go to a different bench, but their demeanor was all I needed to hear. Or see, I guess.
It was a lot of waving, a lot of a chuckles, and a lot of running the numbers in your head. You could see it on their faces.
I wish you could see it on mine so I could truly show you, but I’m just a character created to make fun of douche bags who care too much about other people’s financial livelihoods.
But let’s not worry about that. Let’s get out there and invest.
If you want to talk more, PayPal me 15 dollars and I’ll think about it.
[this was written by a guy named Craig]
